This morning at church I was asked this question. All day I have had it in the back of my mind, trying to find the answer.
I desire the feeling of being loved and safe.
The thought of a friend loving me enough to communicate when they are frustrated. The idea of a person not leaving when things getting difficult. The safe feeling I get when I am around my mom. All of those things bring me joy. I like the feeling of fully being chosen. We are taught to leave when things get rough, but I have always been the one to fight for what I love. I tend to look for validation from others, but I am not a people pleaser. I like feeling safe, but I don’t want to be kept around because it is easy. I have my boundaries. Love isn’t just about you saying you love someone, it’s about your actions. A friend bringing me coffee, random flowers, surprise dates, remembering the small things will go farther than you think with me. Recently I have been struggling with why someone can’t fully choose me. I feel like an option most of the time. With friendships I feel like they only want surface level conversations. I don’t only want to talk about guys or other people. Tell me what you are going through. Why don’t you want more for yourself? It’s hard to have a deep relationship in such a shallow world. When there isn’t a deep connection, it feels surface level and surface level feels fake to me. If it feels fake, it isn’t love. Being vulnerable is scary but love is worth it to me.
This month I have decided to stop drinking. I felt like when I am overwhelmed or disappointed with someone, I would turn to alcohol. I am hoping this month brings clarity for me. Instead of looking for love or the idea of feeling safe in others I want to lean more on the Lord.
I’ll update on this subject November 1.
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